Loose ends

I just got a very nice reminder that people are actually still checking in on this every now and then. It prompted me to go back and look at what I've posted so far and I realize I left a few loose ends on my last few posts so I'd like to tie those up now.

D and I ended up sticking with the original medical oncologist. We never even saw the second opinion oncologist. We decided within a couple days of seeing the original oncologist that we would just stick with her. I didn't have my Tamoxifen in hand right away because I was ordering it through Medco by Mail, for a discount. I started taking the Tamoxifen the Sunday before last, so about a week and a half ago. I had been feeling really apprehensive about it and thought maybe we should have a ceremonial "first Tamoxifen" moment. The night I took it for the first time I realized I just wanted to get it over with and if I waited for the new week to start I would certainly postpone it until the following weekend. I called D over and decided to just do it. I kind of sat there holding the tiny white pill and just staring at it for awhile. I couldn't bring myself to swallow it. It reminded me of how my brother & I both had issues swallowing pills as children (one of us still does...I won't name names but let's just say I routinely pop Singulairs, Advils & birth control pills with no problem!). I maybe got a little emotional, maybe. But then I tossed the pill into my mouth and it was done: I had officially started my 5 years on Tamoxifen.

More importantly, by episode 7 of season 1 I was sooo over Thirtysomething. What is wrong with those people? Why are they always whining and complaining?! And maybe the topics they discuss were relevant in the 90s but they definitely feel dated in 2011.

Anyway, after my surgery I had stopped reading cancer books (and switched to killing my brain cells with endless Netflix), but this past week I felt a need to return to them. Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy by Geralyn Lucas is a really great read (even if you are not dealing with your own or someone else's cancer) and really helped me prepare for my first surgery. Now that I have my second surgery coming up (Friday, February 18), I have all new concerns and thought I'd re-read the book from a new perspective. It was just as enjoyable and as helpful as the first time. I also looked up Geralyn on YouTube and she is so freaking adorable. Now I've moved on to Cancer: 50 Essential Things To Do by Greg Anderson. It's a guide for getting from diagnosis, through treatment, through recovery and through life, in a very holistic, body-mind-spirit sort of way. This one has been a little less helpful but really only because I already did or am doing most of what is advised, mostly as a result of trying to live my life this way even before my diagnosis. Even so, I have written down two things I will start to incorporate.

On a related note, I've been working on balancing showing honor & respect for what I've just gone through and what I need (some time off from school, extra rest) with really viewing everything that has happened as mostly a positive experience, and myself as really lucky. Knowing how good I have been feeling through most of this, and how lucky I was to have stopped this thing in its tracks at stage "0," I started the year sort of too gung-ho and feeling like I needed to just jump right back into everything. Work, school, catching up with friends, etc. I am realizing that sometimes I need to take a step back and give myself a break (like I did by taking the leave of absence from school or by cancelling a night out with a friend because I was just too tired and cranky).

Tomorrow after work, D & I are seeing my GYN to get my IUD implanted. I'm kind of nervous about it because I've always heard that it pinches a bit when they implant it and you could possibly be in some discomfort the rest of the night. Also, I've always had crazy reactions to different contraceptives, with only the pill that I've taken for years causing no problems, so I'm nervous that I'll end up with negative side effects from this thing. I guess time will tell.

Friday I have my pre-op testing followed by what I expect to be my last follow-up with my plastic surgeon before the implant surgery. I've got a lot of questions for the doctor. I need to be 100% confident about the next surgery before I leave his office Friday. Right now I still have some issues with the lift and areola reduction on the right breast. So, even though I know it is probably the best thing to do and that I probably will stick with it, I won't be putting my final stamp of approval on it until I've tackled every one of my concerns with him.

So, the other day I ran into a friend at work who is a lady I used to talk to quite often and who always asks when my husband and I will be having kids. She asked me this question again, of course, and I ended up telling her about the mastectomy and the Tamoxifen and the not being able to have kids for awhile. Turns out she had a lumpectomy and radiation and Tamoxifen 9 years ago. She's been fine ever since. Never had side effects from the Tamoxifen. Even the radiation wasn't that bad except that it sometimes made her feel really hot and one time she felt so hot, walking back to work after an appointment, that she thought she might faint. I never knew all this and was so glad she shared. She said the same about me. So who doesn't have a breast cancer story? Every time I talk to someone I find out either they had some kind of cancer, if not breast, or a family member of theirs did. I remember sitting in my first nutrition class ever, back in undergrad, and the teacher saying that something like 1 in 4 people will get cancer in their lifetime (this was...1999/2000-ish) and that if we each considered ourself and 3 friends of ours, at least one of us in each of those groups of four friends, would end up with cancer one day.

Hmm, probably shouldn't leave you on such a grim note. I do want to mention, actually, that I will probably try to start working on turning some things that I wrote during diagnosis, doctor appointments, surgery & recovery, into new posts to share. I realize that there are certain things people always want to know that I really haven't talked about here. What did I do when my GYN told me over the phone that it was cancer (but hadn't yet told me how positive the situation was)? Did I stay at work? Did I run home? Did I cry? What was the hospital like? What was recovery like? I touched on some of this stuff in my "Notes to My Family" emails/posts, but I think there is more I can share. Before that, however, you can probably expect an update from me on how the IUD and the pre-op and the follow-up went.

Wish me luck!